Andrew Dominik doesn’t give a damn what we think. That’s why Blonde is his incendiary masterpiece.

A short note: Blonde is the best movie I saw last year. But given its graphic content and controversial reception, it felt important to me to expand on my perspective of the film. Thanks for reading. 🙂

In 2016, Danny Boyle’s Steve Jobs was released in theaters to general acclaim. The film, an unconventional biopic structured more like a three-act play, was lauded by critics for its direction, acting, and sharp writing, garnering many wins and nominations during the film world’s awards cycle. But one of the biggest questions on anyone’s mind was a tricky one: how much of the film was real? Of course, screenwriter Aaron Sorkin had adapted the film directly from Walter Isaacson’s 2011 biography, but as with all biopics, the accuracy of certain events and the portrayals of its characters were challenged. Boyle defended the film’s creative liberties, saying, “I mean, you hope that our intentions are honorable. That they’re in pursuit of the truth about him [Jobs]. That’s for other people to judge. That’s not, we had a lot of people around who did know him. And who advised us and guided us. And not everyone will ever agree about some of the things about him, of course. But I do think that something I always used to say it was kind of Shakespearean, really. It was what Shakespeare used to do. He would take some of the facts about a man of power and he would guess at a lot of the rest, and just gotten away at actually getting at the human in it.” Steve Wozniak, Jobs’ real-life creative partner and Apple co-founder, was certainly impressed. “I saw a rough cut and I felt like I was actually watching Steve Jobs and the others, not actors playing them,” Wozniak stated, “I give full credit to Danny Boyle and Aaron Sorkin for getting it so right.” But most important was the reaction from former Apple software engineer Andy Hertzfeld, portrayed in the film by Michael Stuhlbarg: “It deviates from reality everywhere – almost nothing in it is like it really happened – but ultimately that doesn’t matter that much. It is cavalier about the facts but aspires to explore and expose the deeper truths…”

All of this, then, brings us to Blonde.

Blonde, the latest from Australian director Andrew Dominik – and the year’s most controversial film. Blonde has drawn wildly polarizing reactions, with audiences and critics alike reacting in shock and anger to the unrelenting cruelty inflicted upon its depiction of Marilyn Monroe, perhaps the most beloved actress of all time. Admittedly, its director hasn’t exactly made things easier on himself. Comments from Dominik from interviews surrounding the film have drawn vitriol, comments ranging from spectacular arrogance, stating that “Blonde will be one of the ten best movies ever made,” to outright insensitivity, calling the actresses in Monroe movies (specifically Gentlemen Prefer Blondes), “well-dressed whores.” These comments only served as fuel to the fire for criticizing Blonde, further exacerbated by the film’s graphic portrayals of sexual content and rape. Yet despite all of this, I don’t believe Andrew Dominik and his film are truly sexist, at least not the way you would assume by taking those quotes at face value. He is clearly a man who needs to learn to read the room; that much goes without saying. But watching Blonde, it slowly becomes clear that it is not that Dominik wishes to deliberately disrespect his subject – only that he does not feel the need to go out of his way not to do so.

That sounds like absurdity in and of itself. In what universe should a film about one of the most admired actresses in pop culture not endeavor to present itself as tasteful? Perhaps the only way to properly decipher the film is to take it all the way back to the source; to understand why author Joyce Carol Oates would choose Marilyn Monroe in the first place as the subject of her fictional novel from which Blonde was adapted. That’s a question I asked myself many times, since on the surface, there doesn’t seem to be much justification in puppeteering a real person to fit a fictional narrative. To do the same thing with any other actor, alive or not, would truthfully seem blasphemous. So why should Blonde get a pass? Here’s one possible answer: Marilyn Monroe was not just an actress, model, or any other label we would like to give her. She was a symbol. She was the ultimate, all-encompassing vision of sex, glamour, and stardom. She was the American dream personified, in the eyes of the world.

And she was dead in her home at the age of 36.

Of course, we know that Marilyn was not just Marilyn. She was also Norma Jean Baker, a woman from a troubled childhood who would be on a quest to find herself for her whole life. But onscreen, as Marilyn Monroe, she became profoundly, hideously wanted. Indeed, in the film, everyone in the film who surrounds her needs to control her, to possess her. Her husbands and partners can’t stand her displaying her body to anyone else, studio executives and fellow actors mock her acting ability behind her back, and journalists light up her life with camera flashbulbs during her most vulnerable moments. They leer at her, demean her, and objectify her. By these actions, the very idea of “Marilyn Monroe” became a curse that swallowed Norma Jean whole. Ana de Armas, who portrays Marilyn in the film, was determined to understand this: “It was important to find the emotional truth in this character. One of the biggest themes in this movie is the private and public self. Norma Jeane was completely unseen. I wanted to capture the essence of that woman, to find the human underneath. It was a long process studying her and her films, to understand what she was feeling at all times, always thinking that Norma for the most part never thought she could live up to Marilyn. What people thought of her was not at all what she felt like.”

The most common reaction to Blonde has been, “let her rest, let her rest in peace.” Is she not? Marilyn, the symbol, is immortal; the assertion that a single film could change that in any way is absurd. Films can’t rewrite history. But we need, more than ever, to actually understand the truth of Marilyn’s reality. Blonde is not exploitation, it is awareness; it is not meant to pervert our understanding of its subject, but to illuminate the unspoken horrors that drove her to an early grave. It is not a celebration of the male gaze, but a condemnation of it. A paradoxical work in which its true sympathy lies in the lack thereof. The film’s whole thesis doesn’t work if it gives in to the conventional tropes of a standard biopic: to praise its subject, lift them on a pedestal, and entertain us as an audience. One of the film’s more disturbing moments has the camera drifting past a horde of rabid fans, clawing at Marilyn through the barricades of a film premiere. Their eyes and mouths are horrifically distorted as they shout and leer at her, as we slowly pan up to reveal the crowd impossibly stretching all the way to the horizon, an endless sea of demons. But this version of Marilyn doesn’t even seem to notice. She only beams her megawatt smile and blows kisses, all the while happily proclaiming, “I love you, I love you, I love, love, love you all!” There’s no Norma Jean here, she’s gone. We’re with the crowd now, oblivious to the horror, only transfixed by the gleaming smile of a beautiful woman. This is the ultimate representation of Marilyn as concept, the very definition of a parasocial construct.

It’s profoundly disturbing – and it should be. During the film’s most shocking moment, in which Marilyn is dragged into a hotel room and forced to sexually pleasure President Kennedy, Dominik radically depicts her during the act as envisioning herself projected on a sprawling theater screen, playing in front of countless viewers, internally musing through voiceover narration about what stories are being created about her. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter anymore whether or not that moment, or any of the others that have come before in the film, actually happened in real life. What matters is that so many believed things like it did happen. For Marilyn, then, the “truth” was a pipe dream, one that went out the window in an instant. The point is this: as viewers, as an audience, we are obsessed with the need to control the narratives we see. These days, we want women to be protected (and rightfully so, I should add) from the abuse they have been forced to endure as they have suffered through male-dominated industries for so many years. But in Marilyn’s time, we ogled her, gossiped about her, and fantasized about her, until it drove her to an early grave.

Many have cried, “she was more than that – where’s the compassion?” But where was the compassion for Marilyn when she still walked in this world? We don’t gain anything from sugarcoating tragedy. Fiction or not, what Blonde depicts is real and necessary. The way in which we, as an audience, still persist to this day in trying to rewrite Marilyn’s narrative to put ourselves on the right side of history, only reinforces what Blonde is saying. It shouldn’t be scandalous to consider the tragedies she endured in the same breath as praising her accomplishments. That’s what it means to have a true understanding of the complexity of life, and this is exactly what Andrew Dominik wants us to consider: “If you look at the Instagram version of her life, she’s got it all. And she killed herself. Now, to me, that’s the most important thing. It’s not the rest. It’s not the moments of strength.” To some, that may seem callous, but to me, it’s only another indication that Dominik simply doesn’t feel the need to follow the conventional constraints of storytelling. His disdain is not for Marilyn, but rather for celebrity as a thing to be admired. What does it mean for a powerful woman to be loved by the whole world and still lose everything? That’s a genuinely meaningful question, and there’s no way to truly answer it without a full-on plunge into the darkness of Marilyn’s psyche.

It’s a difficult film to stomach, but that doesn’t implicitly make it wrong, any more than a film about the horrors of war is wrong for portraying strong violence. Of course, it is still incredibly challenging to ask any audience to intentionally sit for nearly three hours and watch any woman endure what is depicted in Blonde, let alone an icon like Marilyn Monroe. We would rather sit through films like Elvis, films that, no matter how entertaining or creatively filmed, nevertheless function as little more artistically than the cinematic equivalent of a Wikipedia page. Elvis was fun, bright, colorful, and extravagant. It also omitted an overwhelming amount of drug abuse in Elvis’ later years and glossed over him meeting his future wife Priscilla when she was 14 and he was 24 – pretty questionable, to put it mildly. But that wouldn’t make for good entertainment. Said Dominik of the film’s harsh backlash, “Now, we’re living in a time where it’s important to present women as empowered, and they want to reinvent Marilyn Monroe as an empowered woman. That’s what they want to see, and if you’re not showing them that, it upsets them.”

The truth is, he’s right, as difficult as it may be to accept. We don’t really want to see our heroes depicted like this, do we? We want the Hollywood we know and love. The glamour, sparkle, charisma, and swagger. We want to think of our heroes as gods and goddesses, immortal woven images in a grand cinematic tapestry. But they were human, like us, and like us, they were also deeply flawed. Some abused, others were abused. We need to understand and feel that if there’s any hope of film, as art, ever getting to the bottom of this messy thing we call the human experience. Blonde is unquestionably a challenging film. There is no doubt that it will continue to spark vicious debates for years to come. But for my money, it is bigger even than Marilyn herself. It is true. It is a haunting masterpiece that stretches far beyond the confines of Norma Jean’s actual life, a damning indictment of the myth of celebrity, and an achingly sad portrait of a woman whose very life was stolen from her as we watched. It is a film of necessary evils, one that is nearly impossible to experience fresh anymore without preconceived bias from what you’ve already heard. But if the greatest purpose of art is to move us, and to illuminate the truth, well, here it is: Blonde deeply moved me. I cannot give it higher praise than that. I’m willing to criticize Andrew Dominik for the unpleasantness of his comments, but he doesn’t hate Marilyn Monroe, and neither does his film. He only hates what happened to her – and we should too.

taking a portrait of her

a part of a larger project as of yet unfinished. hope you are all having a beautiful year so far. more to come soon. 🙂

i’m studying the way the sun’s rays flirt with the tufts of her hair, hair that tells me stories of birds in the midsummer breeze. she watches me, patient, while i search for the perfection we both know i probably won’t get. but it’s the striving that makes it worthwhile; the meaning, the effort.

i’m looking for the right angle of the light.

“let’s do one with the rose.” she takes the flower by the stem between her teeth, delicate. it’s been shedding its petals since the water in the vase turned sour. i’ve had my shot for a minute now, but prolonging the moment suddenly takes precedence.

she’s so beautiful as she looks out of frame.

i want to preserve every last piece of her:

the delicate clouds of freckles scattered on her cheeks,

the way the line of her jaw sweeps to the front like a brushstroke,

the pale blue of her iris like the calm before the storm breaks,

the mossy-colored dress her grandmother made in the war,

the dried mud crumbs stuck to her palms from the garden,

the golden snake band coiling twice through her nose,

the stick-and-poke hummingbird on her left forearm,

the battered crimson size 7 converse on her feet,

all of the little things that make her, her.

click.

“did you get it?” her query.

“i got you.” my reply.

separations

hey guys!! it’s been a while, but here’s something new – admittedly not too substantial, but i’m happy with it – it’s meaningful to me, and i’m grateful to have brought it to completion. this is a short piece i wrote for an upcoming zine, my first writing to be featured somewhere other than this blog! that’s something that gets me incredibly, incredibly excited.

with this piece i was trying to embrace a style much heavier on imagery and feeling than any explicit narrative. it was particularly influenced by the opening prologue to David Foster Wallace’s unfinished novel The Pale King.

this was a small side project that just came about last month, but i have a lot more still to come! next year i have some big plans and if they turn out then you’ll hear about them very soon… 😉

love you all, hope you’re well!!

through the cotton-wet clouds that hang above the glassy plain of the sea top, over waves spotted with putrid kelp, cresting with the playful arching of dolphins, water that blankets depths of coral trenches, cnidarian blooms, finned hunters drawn to blood, alien lights in the deep blue, shelled claws and things that stride slow, with intention, ancient wisdom. the water is a woman, ebbing and flowing, a network of currents and tides, spraying surf and salt-foam onto the shoreline, giving life. inland, a herd of wild horses plunging through the mud, shaking muck and mire from fetlocks and flanks, manes woven with the fading light of the falling sun, through the dust, the damp, the stench of hot grass and steaming dew. moving as one, listening, breathing, necks pumping, a single organism with many parts, grazing through wildflower fields and soft hay, patches of skin quivering to loose the gnats, skin speckled with mud crust, dried sweat, crushed leaf. they are phantoms, old gods, dotting the plains, and when they fly, they cannot be caught.

            we were not the first to call this planet home.

            many things here before us will be here after.

            they will outlive us.

the dim glow of sunrise playing through a window screen onto bodies, fingerprints tracing patterns onto flesh, pushing, feeling, a pair of hips joined in the center, pushing, feeling, hands grasping the soft skin of shoulders, breasts, thighs, cheeks. sharing air, hair tangled, knotted sheets, closed eyes, singing, seeking, gasping, nose tucked to neck, searching for release. breathing in smoke afterward, from cured bacon spitting in a cast iron, heavy glass jar brimmed with juice on the countertop, swelling stems of healthy window plants, eggshell fragments in a bin, coffee-ground soil and watermelon rind. a safe space, familiar, unspoken words hanging in the air, unneeded in easy contentedness, arms encircling waists, seen, held, loved. lazy snowfall twirling outside, hushing the ground in drifts, a stillness of body and soul, early january, the start of something new. a whisper, then: “hurry, baby, you’ll miss your flight.”

            billions of souls drift through the world.

            every life equally rich in story.

            to find a purpose is to find meaning.

mechanical hearts beating with coal and fire of hell, fury, greed, metal organs churning thick tar, taking drags of clean air, coughing black ash, industrial leeches sucking gaea’s lifeblood bone-dry, clogging the pores of earth with poison, man’s design. rot and decay, waste and filth, the pallid haze of mid-afternoon smog, a grimy rainbow film on a parking lot puddle, even the little things made sick. plastic cable noosing a turtle’s neck, syringes in sand and broken budweiser bottles bobbing in flotsam beneath a pier, crude oil spilling from a rusted rig in the gulf. rubber tire skyscrapers melting in midday heat, crumpled culvert soda cans, candy bar wrapper tumbleweeds, crumbling asphalt and sun-baked, small-town rankness, bloody roadkill, mildew and mold in the cracked glass tubes of a burning neon light above a chinese takeout, rats chewing through black garbage bags in a back alley. slow desiccation of man and nature both, slow, but steady. mother earth will join tomorrow.

            in isolated bliss we think ourselves saviors.

            none of us are islands.

            think on moments like these.

what now?

hi guys. ❤

a small update on some things:

my life has been going through a rough patch for a while. as it usually does.

but life goes on regardless and it turns out that sometimes there’s a lot to appreciate.

unfortunately most days all i could manage to do was just focus on keeping my head in the right place and free of negative thoughts.

i hit a serious creative roadblock and my ideas weren’t flowing the way they used to. so, expressing myself through my writing on here became a lot more difficult than it used to be.

life can be really, really hard.

i never once forgot about this blog but it just drifted a bit out of focus.

i found out about a week ago that a friend i used to know passed away. i don’t know how but it really got under my skin and was messing with me. 

we hadn’t talked for quite some time, but i was in shock for a few days. more than anything, i hope their family can find the peace they need to process their loss.

i think a lot about the fact that we never know how much time we have left. i’m haunted by the idea of reaching my final days with nothing substantive to show for how I’ve lived my life. 

all this to say: i vanished from here for a long time and i really hope that will change soon. i had a lot of big ideas that were (and still are) in progress and hopefully i can get back into the right mindset to fulfill them.

you’ll hear about them here first when i do. =)

i write this for myself as an incentive to take the first step back into this space.

thanks for sticking with me.

things will happen very soon…

THE OPERATION

Okay, I lied.

Last month, I said my next short story would be titled Objects in Mirror. That’s going to be coming after THIS, I swear. But sometimes an idea pops into your head and derails your current plan, and you just have to go with it – that’s what happened here.

Not much else to say except – I’m really proud of this story. I believe it’s the longest I’ve written (so far) and I hope you enjoy it. More to come, as always. 🙂

THE OPERATION

and blood-black nothingness began to spin /

a system of cells interlinked within /

cells interlinked within cells interlinked /

within one stem and dreadfully distinct /

against the dark, a tall white fountain played

– Nabokov, Pale Fire

I soon found myself at an unpleasant crossroads. The state of my mail had declined to the point where all that was delivered to me anymore was the automated electric or water bill, in a brittle plastic sleeve. Not that I particularly cared whether or not anyone real sent me mail, of course. I was never one who relied on purely physical gestures to infer mutual affection. But there is no denying the involuntary joy of receiving a letter in the mail – a genuine letter, addressed in ink to you alone, handwritten, perhaps by a fountain pen, adhesive actually licked by a tongue. Time is valuable, and to spend yours on another person requires that you care about them a great deal. I had personally stopped writing letters many years earlier, finding that I had turned into a giver who did not often receive anything back in return. 

My personal life became exponentially more difficult when I made the discovery that my girlfriend Elena, with whom I shared the five hundred or so square feet of my dingy apartment cube, had been acquainting herself with another man’s bed behind my back for nearly five months. I combed through the public records, located the man, and with a single blow I splayed him out on his floor, breaking three of his front teeth as well as his right cheekbone. I did not necessarily regret my act, which I deemed a crude sort of justice, but I was certainly not proud of it either. In fact, I began to seriously consider my propensity for violence, and the possibility of becoming similarly violent under another sort of provocation. That thought unnerved me – I shuddered at the idea of being compared to any of those psychotic fools cruising around town in their muscle cars, blasting away with guns just for the thrill of it.

As things were, I quickly found myself seated days later in a chilly court of law, sued by a man who could no longer properly voice the tone of the letter L. The judge seated far above me had a droopy face and oversized lips that reminded me of a mule. He rapped his gavel timidly and spoke, clearing his throat, with a reedy tone. “This court finds the defendant guilty on all charges of assault and battery. Furthermore, having determined the origin of said assault to be distress upon the discovery of perceived sexual unfaithfulness, this court also finds the defendant guilty of severe emotional misconduct. Therefore, the court sentences the defendant to 6 months in jail, prior to which he will undergo the Marishiku operation in a court-mandated, county-approved general hospital, for a time limit not exceeding three years, subject to re-evaluation after one year.” Another feeble rap, and the courtroom quickly dispersed. I giggled. “H, i, j, k, ehw…”

Shinzei Marishiku was a brilliant neurologist who, at the age of thirty one, promptly found himself in the spotlight of immense critique from the worldwide scientific community. What had happened was Shinzei’s publication of a revolutionary research paper, proposing a medical procedure in which a unique inhibitor could be placed on the strength of endorphins in the human body. A complex bio-mechanical implant, containing both circuitry in addition to lab-grown cell structures, when injected into the surrounding tissue of the spinal cord, could reduce up to nearly 93% of a person’s capacity for emotionally motivated violence. The effect was not permanent, but could last for up to six years depending on the strength of the implant. At the end of a patient’s sentence, the implant could simply be extracted, leaving two to three days for full bodily recovery. According to Shinzei, his method served as a far more humane alternative to blunt force brain surgery, which had become increasingly common as a permanent solution for many criminals convicted on emotionally driven offenses.

The end of the month came swiftly, and soon I was reclining in a dense leather chair, waiting for my doctor to escort me to the operating room. The attendants had given me a packet, containing a papery sort of robe that caused my skin to itch. I scratched at my leg absent-mindedly. On the side of my thigh I had a smooth stripe of thick scar tissue, from a tree branch hiding under the lake surface that I jumped into when I was twelve years old. I distinctly remember the violent tug against my skin, then my own blood blooming in the water around me like smoke. When I waded up onto shore, I could see the deep tear in my flesh, glistening muscle exposed to the open air. My parents were too poor to afford hospital care, so they wrapped my leg tightly with bandages, rushed me home, and stitched the wound shut themselves with a sterilized needle as I sat at the dining table. Strangely enough, I never once felt any pain from the wound, only an occasional dullness. I suppose I was simply too young to comprehend the severity of my injury. The brain is fond of playing strange tricks if you let your guard down.

The door handle clicked and swung open. My doctor sat down in his chair with a grunt and produced a faded medical diagram to show me. “This is your spinal column. We will make an incision,” he indicated, “between vertebrae segments T5 and T7, here. This incision will be quite small, but it will most likely leave a visible scar. From there, we will carefully stretch the sides of the incision apart and begin the process of locating the ideal spot for implantation. We’ve performed a number of scans, so this stage should only require a few minutes. Once we find the right location, we simply connect the machine and let our program run its cycle. This may take anywhere from fifteen minutes up to an hour to calibrate the implant based on your body chemistry. As soon as the cycle finishes, we will simply disconnect, stitch the incision shut, and then keep you in a bed here at the hospital overnight, so we can monitor your body’s response as it adjusts to this foreign object. Do you have any questions?”

“Will I feel anything?”

“Most patients don’t. We will be numbing the area with general anesthetic before we make the incision.”

“Sorry, what?”

“Anesthetic, to deaden the pain.”

“Yes, I know what anesthetic is. You said most patients don’t feel anything?”

“Of course. We couldn’t very well perform the procedure if most patients did feel something, now could we?”

“How many patients do feel something?”

“Very few.”

“Can you give me a number?”

“Erm… Five.”

“Five what?”

“Five out of one hundred and sixty two procedures carried out so far. Approximately three percent.”

“How did those three percent of patients react during the procedure?”

“They made terrible screams and gave all the indications of suffering intense physical agony. Well, at this point we are all set and right on schedule. If you would please follow me,” and my doctor turned and exited through the door.

I was totally naked underneath my robe, and I felt quite self-conscious walking through the hospital. I found myself checking practically every few seconds to make sure the buttons holding the fabric together on my back had not come undone, exposing me. I chuckled at the irony. In mere hours I wouldn’t have the capacity to care what people saw of me anymore. We rounded the endless corners of scrubbed and sterile-white halls, passing quite a number of patients being wheeled through on gurneys. I assigned each one names in my head. Richard, Charlie, Alex; Patricia, Alice, Madison. I began to wonder if any of them were deceased. It did not seem to me that there was any visible difference to be seen if they were. Rather, they simply appeared to be asleep, at peace. Some were even smiling gently. I remembered fewer people smiling than these.

After what seemed like an eternity we reached the operating room. This was the point of no return. A hot flash of panic shot through my brain. I had a brief thought of bolting out into the night, somewhere far away where no one could ever find me. Then my doctor opened the bolted doors, reached out with a green latex-gloved hand, pulled back a heavy plastic curtain, and my legs moved of their own volition, carrying me through. Four aides of nearly identical height and build stood side by side, arms behind their backs, surgical masks pulled up over noses, faceless. Inside the room itself stood a smooth white operating table and a lanky mechanical arm extending from the ceiling tiles with three differently-sized circular metal lampshades. Nestled in the back corner was a jet-black, angular pile of electronic displays and cube-like boxes stacked onto each other – a nihilistic, technological sort of beehive. Colored squares of light faded in and out on the array of mirror-polished surfaces.

“Custom computers,” my doctor sighed wearily, seeing the direction of my gaze, “we didn’t design them. Shipped to us from Japan. The edges’ll split your skull open if you fall on them. Poor Charlie.” He gestured to the operating table. “Face down, please.”

In his hands my doctor was holding a compact, chromed metal tool that I can only compare to a laboratory pipette. It had three small buttons on the side, one black, one white, and one red, and a densely braided cable that protruded from the back and snaked across the floor to the cluster of computer modules. I lifted myself onto the table and lay down carefully. There was a padded metal bar to support my forehead, so that my face was not pressed into the surface of the table. An aide looped several stiff leather straps around my wrists and ankles, securing them with a buckle. “We are now going to administer the anesthetic. You may feel a slight pinch,” said my doctor, muffled by his mask, as a cold needle slipped its way into my back. The light slowly began to drain from my peripheral vision, fading into black. I saw nothing, and felt nothing. I was adrift in nothingness. My eyes closed and I fell into a peaceful sleep.

A whitish point gradually emerged some time later in the center of my view. I watched it, curious. This point widened slowly with the patience of a sunrise, expanding, unfurling finally into a triumphant cloud that bloomed and pulsed rhythmically in the air around me. Ripples of color washed over me, traveling through the void, stretching and refracting into clusters of stars that melded into fantastical shapes. I was totally lucid and strangely calm. I began to feel a tingling in my hands, and glanced down to see the skin rippling gently, shifting on top of the slender bones beneath. Minuscule clouds of particles were separating from my body, spiraling out in helix patterns, drifting toward the epicenter of the light. My mouth was a luminescent grin with teeth exposed.

color desaturated.

black to white.

i waited.

waited,

wait,

w,

,

n,

noth,

nothing,

nothing.

until, something.

I gradually began to sense an excruciating itch blossoming deep inside the very center of my head, inside my brain itself. No amount of scratching on the surface of my forehead could alleviate it. Within seconds I was clawing and scraping, desperate to make the feeling go away. But the harder I tried, the worse the sensation became, and my jaw fell open in a soundless scream, silenced by the empty space. I could not stand it a second longer. I placed my hands back to back, touching my fingertips to the center of my forehead, and pushed. My fingers dug through my skin like pottery clay, and punctured the layer of my skull as though it were an eggshell. I pushed my hands in up to my wrists and pulled to the sides.

At this a seam began to burst, down the center of my face and onto my neck. I felt myself splitting in two, around the full length of my torso, the upper layer separating from the underneath like a glove. This outer part of me came off unwillingly and with intense pain, like a knife withdrawn. But after this agony came such a feeling of utter relief and bliss, like the first breath of air gulped into lungs, out of deep water. I looked down at my body and was astonished to see flawless, unmarked skin. The scar on my thigh had altogether vanished, as well as the dozens of scratches and blemishes that I had come to consider part of my own personal identity. A sudden chill swept over me. I turned my gaze upward to look for what I had shed.

A vaguely humanoid shape floated before me in the emptiness. It was ugly and pitiful and malformed, and perfectly still as it hung in the stars. Was it the real me? Was I the real it? I lifted my hand. The thing lifted its hand. It moved as I moved. We were mirrors of each other in the dark. As it moved, shapes were pushing out from under the skin, features molded, terraformed. I felt tears dripping down my cheeks. It was the first thing I remembered. I knew that it was lonely and vacant, wanting and in need. I had been waiting to see it for so very long.

I opened my mouth and murmured, “Don’t be afraid…”

The thing’s head lifted towards me and opened.

But suddenly it shuddered, and began to break, crumbling apart.

Its mouth gaped in silent pain as it evaporated. Only one thing remained: a small, glimmering lump, slowly drifting away from me. I needed it, I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. I floundered desperately, groping for this piece with an outstretched hand. I thought for a moment that my fingertips even brushed it. Then I felt a void burst open inside my stomach, and I was turned inside out. The whiteness around me split, smothering me like a sheet, folding up and spinning out into three circular blots fixed over my head by slender metal. It was done. A steady thud-thud resonated in my ears, my lonely heartbeat. My doctor was far above, leaning down with a set of distorted lenses affixed over his eyes. “Well, we’re all finished. How do you feel?”

I heard myself say, “Better.”

ALL THE WAYS I CAN THINK OF TO KILL MYSELF WITHOUT ACTUALLY DYING

Hello again, I’m still alive! A couple quick updates:

First, I start college next week. I’m still going to be working on projects to put here, but they may be much less frequent depending on my work load. I’ll see how things go and play it by ear! Putting original work on here has given me a great sense of creative fulfillment and I want to hold on to that as much as possible.

Secondly, a few of you know I’m working on a longer short story, significantly longer than any I’ve done up until now. It’s proving to be much more time-consuming than I originally thought and as a result it hasn’t been finished yet. I want to make sure it’s the best I can do! But since this one has taken so long, I wanted to mention a few sneak peek details: it’s titled Objects In Mirror, and it’s about a young girl who wakes up to find herself abducted. I’m going to keep chugging away at it so hopefully it’ll be the next thing I upload after this.

Anyway, here’s another short piece, I hope you enjoy it! More is on the way, as always. 🙂

 

~~~

 

ALL THE WAYS I CAN THINK OF TO KILL MYSELF WITHOUT ACTUALLY DYING

 

the world is filled with

beautiful people and

the world is filled with

ugly people and

all the people i have

ever trusted have

been ugly in their

own way

 

i went for a drive

yesterday and ended up in a public

park so i went for a walk and

watched the birds make nests

in tree branches from twigs and

bark and grass and they sang

songs and i hoped they were

being kind to each other

 

my bookshelf seemed a bit

lonely so i purchased a 1000 page

novel with a blurb proclaiming american

greatness on the cover and i

wished i understood it more but

it lent gravitas to my room and

that was enough for me to

be reasonably content

 

my goldfish from a red carnival

cup died so i flushed him down the

toilet and watched as he spun

in the vortex and sped out of

sight golden scale comet to the

underworld and then i wept

tears into the bathtowel and smashed

his glass bowl on the floor

 

i wanted to give my friend something

nice for her birthday so i gave

a vase of flowers and she 

told me she had a boyfriend and that

made me confused as if my

feeling of appreciation somehow

required a response of

an immediate negation

 

i feel sad and as

though most people judge

me silently so i have decided i

will buy a plane ticket to

somewhere far away where

no one speaks my language and

i can fall asleep without wishing

my bedsheets will strangle me

 

the world is filled with

beautiful people and

the world is filled with

ugly people and

to tell the truth

out of all the ones that

i have seen i think i

am the ugliest one

Lilies

sometimes it’s hard to get all my thoughts coherent. to cut through thousands of voices and sounds and just listen to the stuff that matters. i wrote this out of tiredness, out of frustration, and out of a bit of hurt. it’s short but that’s how i wanted it.

p.s. many more stories currently in progress. much longer, more linear. stay tuned. =)

 

A transatlantic flight from Manhattan to Liverpool. The woman beside you with the window seat spilled her glass of cheap wine on you during turbulence. Your hotel room smells of mold and rats. But the flowers make you smile.

Most people think they can do what they do and get away with it. They’re usually right. You’re no exception. A city’s out there, lying in wait. Someone’s come along.

Burnt toast and black coffee preceding an antique shop with a rocking horse in the front window. It turns its head to watch as you step inside. No one is behind the register. You see your eyes refract through the facets of cut glass cups. You haven’t been here before, and remember, you didn’t buy a return ticket.

The constellations are painted in the night for superstitious fools. You wonder sometimes if they’re the stars the earth sees through its own pain, reeling from the punch of some forlorn god. Bricks kiss your head as you fall back, lips bruised by invisible knuckles. They’re your stars now, you bought them.

Some automobiles leap like a deer at a twig snap, but you feel held back by this pedal. There’s something in the rearview mirror you can’t quite see. Birds are singing in the trees. The castle opens its iron gates to you, so slowly. Everyone inside isn’t there. On top of the turret, you always liked the word “parapet.”

In the air is a cloud that looks a little like your mother’s face when you were seventeen. Now down, all the way down, Vertigo-style, arms and legs spinning like a toy. Captured on film with dolley zoom for maximum audience impact, screaming with laughter, fade to black. The crowd goes wild.

The inability to breath water is inept physiology. For this you made yourself gills. You pull yourself open, bloodying the currents as your seams, your scars, come unstitched. There are stars in many places, even the blackest parts. Surprising? Yes. Yes, even to you.

Pack up your bags. Leave a tip for room service. Make sure the television is off.

And please write yourself a letter when you come home. You’re deeply missed.

Sand

this has been a work in progress for quite a long time now. I hope you enjoy it. thanks again. 🙂

 

Following the path, you find your way to an old broken-down shack sinking down into the sand dunes, with sun-bleached wood and saltwater residue topography on the window glass. Anyone who didn’t know better would think, who’d want to live here? 

Someone who remembers, you know that much.

Someone like the kids sprinting by down on the shore, heckling the seagulls in your peripheral vision. Legs pumping and lungs wheezing because the soft packed sand makes them work for their footing. Elementary school Chariots of Fire wannabes.

Those poor birds always flap away before anyone gets remotely close.

Think back even further. You were in a crowd like that yourself long ago, stomping through the surf, howling like a banshee. Some frozen sugar bomb melting over your sunburned fingers, a chemical blue, puckering your lips and staining your tongue for all your aunts and uncles and cousins to see.

Even you were that age once. You were young. Everything used to be young, even this shack. It’s not the first time you’ve stood on this doorstep, but it is the first time you’ve been back in three years. Time’s changed it. Changed you too.

A wave tips over and falls with a crash. You know who lives here. Someone who remembers.

Do you remember?

~~~

Your feet are small and delicate at a first glance, but tough and calloused up close. You trained them yourself on a forever’s worth of beach rocks and barnacles and boat decks. Back then you were getting into trouble, scraping and bruising your hands and knees when the boys at school didn’t expect you to hit back. It made them mad, didn’t it, to see a girl get back up?

You should leave, but the door is unlocked. You go inside.

Muscle memory reminds your leg to skip over that creaky floorboard that you forgot to forget. A tiny kitten totters around the doorframe at the far end of the room and squeaks the smallest of mews. You scoop it up gently, that little bundle of life, quaking contentedly with a purr. It’s hot as a furnace in your palms.

Chipped flaking wall paint, faded striped couch, dusty vinyl sleeves stacked haphazard in a corner. Bookshelves crammed with old science fiction hardbacks. A half-open closet with a couple of rotted surfboards.

And everywhere, absolutely everywhere, sand. Sand, worming its way into every facet of existence. 

Over there on the wall, on that ugly photo frame with the chubby appaloosa and its cowboy rider.

Back there on a shelf, in that glass jar of seashells you found under the driftwood at the lagoon.

Up there over your head, on the rafter where the rope snapped before you could hang himself.

~~~

Six weeks after your seventh birthday there was shouting coming from the back room, again. It frightened you to hear your daddy’s voice like that, so you hid in your bed with the door shut and thought of that last lobster in the scummy supermarket tank, drifting like a dead man in the swill, doomed to be lifted onto a board and bisected through the head by a chopping knife. Don’t be the lobster, you whispered to yourself under the bedsheets, don’t be the lobster. Stay alive.

You’re still alive. Aren’t you?

Your new house came straight off a factory conveyor belt, cookie-cuttered and assembled perfectly. Pastel color, white trim, checkered curtains. Streets paved fresh, deep black asphalt, green grass and trees, ocean breeze all salty. No more city smog. No more daddy yelling.

And that ice cream truck with its eye-popping assortment, rainbow push-pops and popsicles and chocolate coated everything and nuts and sprinkles and gummy bears and fudge and caramel, and  one day you took the quarter from your pink plastic piggy bank that you found in a parking lot and chased that truck all the way to the corner, and when you got there a boy was there too from the end of the street.

Right there, that’s where it happened.

That sundae, the fifty cent one that it turned out you actually couldn’t afford with your single quarter until he dug down into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a second one for you, blushing at the same time you did. He even walked you back up the street to your house. You told him all about the wren’s nest in your old backyard’s peach tree.

Later, your mother, crying by the sink, so you wrapped your skinny little arms around her waist and said I love you mommy, and she cried harder, but something was a little better about the new crying so that was okay.

~~~

Mustard on your hand, smeared on your thumb, as you sat in the ferris wheel seat that lifted you both into the sky. Mustard from that fair food corn dog, your first ever. He bought it for you, an overpriced three dollars-worth of grease and future heartache. You can’t stomach corn dogs anymore, all they bring to mind is fingers intertwined and a gentle, mutual squeeze.

That squeeze is a lie that whispers and says, I won’t ever let you go. It’s a pretty good lie, so you’ll always believe it.

His arm over your body, gentle and secure, keeping you safe through the night. You used to fall asleep by counting the steady rise and fall of his chest against your back. Each day you woke up to the soft crash of sea swell and the distant laughter of children building sandcastles. The smell of bacon and maple syrup would reach your nose and warm the pit of your stomach as you realized you were home.

You’ll always believe it.

When the waves collapsed, you’d find little holes left behind in the shore, the homes of tiny crabs that would wriggle and squirm desperately when you plucked them from their burrows. You tossed them back onto the sand and watched them frantically dig down and hide.

~~~

That old fishing rod, rusted and cracked, leaning in the shadows of the kitchen corner. 

His hands gently over yours, guiding you to hold that rod steady and reel in that massive sea bass, the ocean raging and foaming and the boat rocking and nearly pitching you over the side and you and him laughing and laughing and you landing the fish and it flopping around drunkenly on deck and his gentle smile and warmth and your proximity and your lips melting into his for the first time and your sudden realization that you’d been drowned all along.

Every burning quasar and helical galaxy and cloud of shimmery star stuff, whirling madly at lightspeed way out there in space, aligned for you alone, for that moment.

That abrasive line of swollen bruise circling your throat, a worser kind of halo than what the angels get, and your heart cracked into a billion pieces. His beautiful voice, seemingly broken at first but volume escalating when you wouldn’t give in to what you were feeling, to his excuses. His beautiful voice, suddenly sharp and jagged like broken pottery, shrinking you down into your beat-up sneakers, into the underneath of your bed covers, into the scared little girl you left behind long ago.

As you drove away from there, from him, you held the wheel, and you thought of your car, glass shattered and wrapped like tin foil around a tree, and you, laying there in the grass, asleep, skull crushed, blood and brain soaking the ground.

You never really thought a half dollar’s worth of cheap vanilla could last for forever, did you? The prettiest things always fade out eventually.

~~~

Your mother took your hands when you were five years old, and she kissed your forehead and told you how beautiful they were, your thin hands with their long and delicate fingers, and how they were made for something special.

Maybe she was right.

The sun melting over the clouds like a gentle lava flow, diffusing gold and crimson through the atmosphere. Seagull caws, lazy ocean foam. 

This wreck of a shed, this excuse for a house, this bitter, dirty, broken dump. You hate this place for ruining the best parts of what you used to be. He’s out there, somewhere. Maybe he’s soaring the waters even now, on his surfboard, hair slicked back, plastered down, arms stretched out for balance. Maybe he’s smiling. Maybe he’s laughing. Maybe.

You know who lives here. Someone who remembers.

You remember.

What’s here for you now?

Probably not much.

So you leave, again, one last time, and as you look back along the path, maybe you see him out there on the beach, a little sunburned boy with messy hair, feet buried in the sand, smiling at the waves. And as you drive away like before, maybe you grip the steering wheel a little tighter, just a little, and maybe you decide, finally, at the end of it all, not to be the lobster.

Gallery B, Room 5

A short creative exercise while I work on bigger projects. 🙂

 

1. Mary BilstVoid Tunnel

Green lasers, magnification lenses, VR headset

Mary Bilst’s Void Tunnel serves as commentary on the dangers of voluntary addiction in our technological society. Mounted inside the sleek and polished plastic headshell are six high-power green lasers, capable of causing blindness within mere seconds of direct exposure. The piece represents a harrowing contrast between the nature of outer and inner appearances, inspiring simultaneous fear and curiosity in the mind of the viewer. Shortly after its unveiling, Void Tunnel was embroiled in controversy when a museum attendee disregarded the safety warning and put on the headset, permanently destroying their eyesight. “It was cool from an artistic perspective, but please don’t do it again,” said Bilst.

 

2. Igor StanislavRock

Flint, quartz, obsidian, granite, limestone, corpse

Igor Stanislav’s controversial masterwork Rock brutally depicts the neverending conflict between man, nature, and the passage of time. Inspired by a real-life landslide that resulted in the death of one of his closest friends, Stanislav made it his life’s goal to re-enact that same event upon his childhood bully, Jonathan Breggs. The boulder is a breathtaking amalgamation of fragments, collected over 34 years by Stanislav himself during his travels around the globe. Viewers can ponder the intricate texture and contrast of stones, the wither and decay of the crushed skeleton, and the ethics of murder as an art form. “I think, if Jonathan were alive today,” said Stanislav, in his final interview before execution, “he would realize the joy he brings to the world under my rock. I’ve given his life a real purpose. What more could anyone want?”

 

3. Willy WilliamsNew Horizon

Canvas

This final work by renowned painter Willy Williams is the culmination of his lifelong exploration into potential of human creativity. A complex piece with a myriad of deeper underpinnings, New Horizon invites the viewer not to criticize what they do not see, but rather to let their minds imagine the possibilities of what they could see. Says Williams,“When I first began New Horizon, I found that every time I reached for the canvas, something in my subconscious held me back. Soon enough I realized why, and I stopped, leaving the canvas as you see here. This blank space represents my greatest and last epiphany – the realization that the apex of beauty lies only in the utter vacuity of defined form.”

 

4. Bob OdellHome On The Range

Illuminated refrigeration case, wire, ground beef

Beneath the raw and startling exterior of this brash sculpture lies an intricate wire framework modeled after the body of the common American Black Angus. Inspired by his short stay at a Nebraskan cattle ranch, Bob Odell came out of his seventeen-year retirement to create Home On The Range, a savage critique of the meat production industry.“Where’s the beef? I’ll tell you where the beef is,” Odell recounted in an interview with TIME magazine, “it’s in the bloated stomachs of millions of greedy families, ready to slaughter an innocent animal at the drop of a hat.” At the end of its tour, the leftovers of Home On The Range will be donated to a Taco Bell in Odell’s hometown.

Abrasion

Someone left a note in her locker at school when she wasn’t looking, it says:

you dumb slut i hope you get hit by a car

Very eloquent. It doesn’t bother her too much because she recognizes the handwriting and Becky’s mom cheated on her dad three times. They got divorced a month ago and Becky cried in class, so who’s laughing now? She crumples the note and tosses it victoriously into a trash can.

On the way home she sits on the second to last row of the bus, as usual, head propped on the edge of the window frame, baseball cap pulled low under the band of her headphones. She hates this old bus with its cracked seats and bumpy suspension, rattling her brains inside her skull.

Some other girls are screaming and clawing at each other’s faces a few rows in front of her. She watches through the window as the bus passes a trio of children pelting each other with water balloons on their dirty lawn. The heat makes just about everything unbearable.

At her stop, she steps down onto the sidewalk and chokes as gray fumes from the departing bus blow across her face. Halfway through her trudge up the street, a fuzzy bumblebee drifts through the air and lands on her arm, and she smashes it with her notebook.

After dinner she stares into the bathroom mirror. Tiny red and white bumps cloud the surface of her cheeks and nose, rough and sore. On the right side of her face, there’s some kind of a large lump forming underneath her skin that she hasn’t seen until now. It brings tears of pain when she pokes it with her index finger, and she lets her hair down to cover it.

The next day she hopes that no one will notice, but she quickly begins to hear laughter in the hallway as she passes. Dozens of heads turn away, smirking, before she can see anyone’s face, and her own burns hot because she knows everybody notices. She sits alone at the lunch table, chewing bits of a sandwich that tastes of cardboard.

The thing under her skin grows and grows, and then, she sees it move.

One afternoon she climbs up the rungs of her old treehouse in the backyard and stands there, eyes closed, listening to a woodpecker off somewhere drilling into bark. She remembers building this treehouse with her father as a little girl, clumsily knocking in nails with a hammer, holding the boards down and brushing shiny varnish overtop with a brush. She’s brought with her what she needs this time.

The fishhooks sting as they puncture the side of her face and blood oozes from the holes, but she thinks of the stares, the disgust and pity, and she pierces again and again and again through her tears, seven hooks in total. She connects a piece of fishing line to each one and twists them all together into a kind of thick plastic rope, and ties this tether to a branch.

Whatever’s beneath her skin isn’t happy with the hooks, and it’s squirming, distending the flesh over her cheekbone. She gently touches to feel this movement, and the sensation brings bile into her mouth. Her gagging cough spatters the floor under her feet. Standing there on the edge, breathing heavily, her rage finally boils over at this thing in her, this filthy leech, this parasite, she wants it out she wants it out NOW and she

 

                 jumps

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her feet hit first, ankles crumpling like paper, head impacting the ground.

The skin of her cheek is the wrapping paper of a five-year-old’s birthday present, ripped open, torn and dangling. Her eyes orbit downward to see her hand, her arm, her shirt and shoulder, gore-soaked and sticky. Then the nerves kick in, and pain detonates inside her head like a hand grenade. She falls on her back into the summer flowers, screaming until her throat is raw and sharp, until jagged inkblots burst across her vision and she passes out.

 

On the ground, she dreams.

Bumblebees crawling on her body, waddling over her stomach, crowding every inch of her skin, wriggling between her lips, clambering inside her ears.

Their stingers jab her, thousands of venomous barbs pumping toxins into her bloodstream.

She lies there, totally still, eyes open, cloud-gazing, unmoving, sky-drifting.

 

Eventually she wakes and stands, disoriented, and vomits onto the dirt.

She turns her head and sees it, squelching around on the ground, slimy and grotesque. It has legs, long thin tendrils grasping at the grass stems, trying to pull itself away.

She drives a stick through its back and it bursts apart.

And as she limps away, she stoops to pick a flower, and pulls off the petals one by one, watching as the wind catches them, spiraling them upward, through trees and into the clouds.